


Survivor's Guilt

by spoowriterfic



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-11-02 02:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20585660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoowriterfic/pseuds/spoowriterfic
Summary: Set a few months after the resolution of the season 3 cliffhanger (though I make no predictions here about how that is actually accomplished), Michelle comes back to Purgatory, having been unable to find Julian. After Wynonna deals with some uncomfortable explanations, Nicole has to face her too.





	Survivor's Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea whether Megan Follows is available to or even wants to appear in season 4, but one thing I am absolutely desperate to see is how she reacts to Nicole, given that Julian gave his life to save her -- and how *Nicole* reacts to Michelle, given that she's already dealing with massive survivor's guilt about a whole host of things (likely her aunt and uncle, and Dolls at the very least).
> 
> Meanwhile, I do explore a bit of the dynamic between Wynonna and Nicole while Waverly and Doc were gone. More on that at the end.

“Hey, Nicole?”

Wynonna’s voice stopped her in her tracks the moment she entered the house. It sounded…odd, and she immediately felt her blood pressure spike. “What’s up?” she asked, suppressing a thousand different worries at once as she diverted from her path towards the stairs and went instead into the living room where Wynonna was sitting facing the fireplace.

Wynonna glanced at her, looking awkward, uncertain, and – unusually – more than a little nervous as she held up her phone. “I just got a text from Mama. Apparently she entered the twenty-first century and got a cell phone a week or two ago. Anyway, she’s coming back to Purgatory. She…she…can’t find Julian.” Nicole’s stomach dropped and her face somehow flushed and went ice cold at the same time. Wynonna, seemingly oblivious, continued, “I know, I know. I have to tell her. But I can’t _text _her to say, ‘Hey, Mama, just so you know, I schtupped the love of your life. Like a lot. In a fire truck. And then he died. Twice. Once ‘cause my vampire baby daddy ate him.’”

Nicole inhaled sharply. “The love of her life,” she said quietly, the rest of what Wynonna was saying buzzing in her ears, incomprehensible.

She’d always felt the concept was, at best, trite and, at worst, sappy nonsense.

Until, of course, she’d met the love of her own life.

And to compound the sappy nonsense, she’d fallen in love more or less at first sight to boot.

Her horrified whisper got Wynonna’s attention. Her head swiveled around sharply, and she observed Nicole carefully for a few moments. “Nicole.” She shook her head, compassion visible in her eyes in a way that she’d have tried to mask in the past. “It’s not your fault,” she said with a sigh. Nicole couldn’t maintain eye contact and looked down, a little surprised to see that she’d tightly knotted her hands together. Wynonna got up, crossed the room to look at her, and poked her in the side when she continued to stare at her hands. “You realize I’m gonna sic Waves on you if you keep this shit up, don’t you?”

* * *

At Wynonna’s insistence, Nicole stayed – hid – in Waverly’s room while Wynonna explained what happened to Julian. Waverly, on the other hand, torn between her sister and fiancée, had eventually – reluctantly – allowed herself to be persuaded to sit in the living room, nearby but not directly involved in the conversation.

Wynonna was on a mission. _She _was going to explain things to Mama. _She _was going to take the blame – for sleeping with Charlie, for Julian’s death, for all of it.

What Waverly _hadn’t _heard was Wynonna’s brief, quiet aside to Nicole, when she’d leaned close and whispered, “I owe you.”

_“What the hell were you thinking, Wynonna?”_

_They were well into the sixth week of trying to get Waverly and Doc back. So far, Nicole had refused to mention what happened prior to their capture – not even when Nedley and Nicole had rescued them, when she’d realized what had happened to Waverly while she, Jeremy, and Robin were unconscious in the Homestead kitchen._

_And then, one night, she’d snapped when she saw Wynonna pouring herself a shot of whiskey._

_“What the hell were you thinking, Wynonna?” she’d demanded, in an awkward, agonizing space between rage and tears._

_What Wynonna said next had shocked her into silence. “I was thinking that the world was ending and I wasn’t going to be able to stop it and if I couldn’t save you, maybe I could at least make sure you didn’t suffer!”_

_They’d sat there, staring at each other, breathing heavily, each in agony, for almost a full minute before Nicole asked quietly, “What?”_

_“I watched you all die. When Bulshar took Peacemaker. Over and over and over. I dug your graves with my own bare fucking hands, Nicole!” She swallowed hard. “You might be the love of Waverly’s life, but I love you too, you jerk, and I didn’t want you to suffer…whatever Bulshar was gonna do.”_

_Nicole blew out a breath between her teeth. “Okay. I get that.”_

_“But you’re still mad.”_

_“Damn it, Wynonna, of course I’m still mad! Maybe I could have helped! Maybe I could have gone in there with her! Or…I could at least have told her I loved her!”_

_“She knew, Nicole.”_

_“Knows!” Nicole all but growled, and Wynonna reared back, as horrified at her slip as Nicole was. “And that’s not the point and you know it.”_

_Wynonna sighed._

_“Wynonna. You don’t think this hurts twice as much because I thought we were past this? You and me? I thought I was part of the team.”_

_“You are. But there was no winning that day. And I….”_

_Nicole squashed her own emotions, her cop’s sixth sense telling her she was about to get the whole truth, if she could only give Wynonna the space to get it out. “You what?” she asked quietly._

_“I didn’t want you – any of you – to see me fail. Waverly’s was drugged too. She didn’t drink any.”_

_Nicole’s stomach dropped. She almost didn’t want to know the answer, but she had to ask: “Did she know?”_

_“No,” Wynonna said and Nicole could breathe again. “I don’t know why she didn’t drink it. But she didn’t know.”_

_They sat in silence again, both lost in their own thoughts, until Nicole sighed. “Wynonna.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I want to make one thing absolutely, perfectly, one thousandpercent clear.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Do not. Ever. Do anything like that again. If the world’s ending, if I’m gonna die, I want to die at Waverly’s side. You hear me?”_

_“That’ll kill her.”_

_“I didn’t say I’d go down easy. But you don’t get to make that choice for me. Ever. You hear me? Not ever. That’s my choice.”_

_Wynonna shook her head, but said reluctantly, “Okay.” She looked away for a few moments, then looked back, and this time there were tears in her eyes. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”_

_“I know,” Nicole said. “That’s why I’m still here.” She chuckled wryly. “Well, that and Waverly would kick my ass if I abandoned you to this nightmare alone.”_

_After a long pause, Wynonna ventured, “We okay?”_

_Nicole shrugged. “More or less. We all make mistakes, and that was a bigone, but it’s not like I haven’t made my own. It’s…gonna take me time, Wynonna, but we’ll be okay.”_

_“Thanks,” Wynonna whispered._

_“And we’re gonna get her back,” Nicole said, her voice brooking absolutely no disagreement. “You and me. Okay? And if I need to yell at you any more, I’ll do it then, okay?”_

_That finally got a small smile from Wynonna. “Okay.”_

Though Nicole would never be able to forget that day, she and Wynonna had actually grown closer during their fight to rescue Waverly. She believed Wynonna was genuinely sorry, and she believed Wynonna genuinely understood her own anger, and to her credit, she’d tried to make amends as much as she could. Hence her trying to gather the approaching shitstorm towards herself and away from Nicole.

And, yet, there was only so long she could linger upstairs.

Sooner or later, she’d have to face the woman who’d lost the love of her life because she’d let a Beekeeper stab her.

When she finally ventured downstairs, it was with a heavy heart and although she knew she’d run into Michelle, seeing her still made her gasp and freeze stock-still. Wynonna and Waverly were nowhere to be seen, and she wasn’t sure whether that was by design or not. “Mrs…uh, Ms…uh….”

“Michelle,” she said, cutting into Nicole’s flailing. “At Christmas, it was Michelle. Don’t see any reason for that to change.”

Although she hadn’t known Gus all that well, Nicole was struck by how similar they sounded – grounded, practical, unsentimental. “Michelle,” she agreed, reluctantly.

“Nicole.” A pause. “I hear you and Waverly got engaged.”

Nicole gulped. “Uh, yeah. She asked me…before….”

“Before the Garden took her.” Michelle snorted. “The Garden of Eden, I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d _she _ask _you_? You seem like the grand romantic gesture type.”

Despite herself, Nicole chuckled a little. “I am. But the world was ending. And…” A sigh. “…I think it needed to be her anyway. I never want to push her into something she’s not ready for.”

Michelle shook her head. “You’re a good woman, Nicole Haught.”

An awkward silence fell. Then, almost without meaning to, Nicole blurted out, “Michelle. I am…so sorry. About Julian. I – I didn’t ask him to – ”

Michelle held up a hand and she reflexively, immediately stopped talking.

_“Okay, so I’m only gonna say this once,” Wynonna said after giving Michelle a few minutes to digest the various bombs she had just dropped on her. “I am the one who asked Ch-Julian to save Nicole. Me. Not Waverly, not Nicole. Not Doc or Robin or Jeremy or Nedley. Me, Mama. I asked him to.”_

_Michelle sighed. “What’s this about, Wynonna?”_

_“She’s already got some serious survivor’s guilt going on about Julian dying for her. So don’t you dare say anything to make her feel worse. If you need to be pissed at someone, be mad at me. Not her.”_

_“Wynonna – ”_

_“Look. I know he was the love of your life. I do. But she is the love of Waverly’s life and kinda my best friend and I couldn’t let her die. I couldn’t. For either reason. Not if he could save her.” She sat up straighter and her face lost its tentative look as she said firmly, “And I’d make the same choice again, even knowing what it cost.” She cleared her throat. “We’ve all been through some shit, Mama. All of us. But Waverly more than anybody else deserves a happily ever after. And her happy ending is Nicole. I wasn’t gonna let one of Bulshar’s fucking beekeepers take that away just because he was trying to distract me.”_

They stared at each other for a long moment, Nicole with nothing but grief and guilt in her eyes, and Michelle quietly thoughtful, before she said, “Wynonna told me what happened. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Everyone keeps _saying _that!” Nicole almost shouted, then she deflated as quickly as she’d flared into anger in the first place. “Sorry.”

“Julian _was_ the love of my life,” Michelle said evenly. Nicole pressed her lips together and stared at the floor, feeling and knowing she looked for all the world like a child being scolded by a parent. “For God’s sake, would you _sit down_?” Nicole jerked her head up at the sudden emotion, then awkwardly settled at a chair in the kitchen opposite Michelle. “Julian was the love of my life,” she repeated. “And you? You’re the love of Waverly’s. And Waverly’s the love of _your _life. Isn’t she?”

Nicole nodded. Then she swallowed hard and said, “But that’s just it. I think about…about losing her…and I think about what you must be feeling, and I’m standing _right here_. He gave his life for me and I’m standing right here, right in front of you, reminding you of that, and I’m so _sorry_, Michelle. I am _so _sorry. And – and I know how _mad _I was at Wynonna that I didn’t get to be there when the Garden took Waverly…and you were gone, and I know we were in the middle of an apocalypse but maybe we should have called you the second we figured it out and – ”

Firmly, but kindly, Michelle cut into Nicole’s rambling: “Knock it off, Nicole.” Nicole’s eyes widened even as her jaw audibly clicked shut. “I spent twenty years in a jail cell being tormented by a demon for my Waverly. Julian was the love of my life, yes, but Waverly’s my baby. My miracle baby. You’ll understand when you have kids.”

If anything, Nicole’s eyes widened further. “We, uh – we’re not – ”

With a small, wry smile, Michelle waved her off. Silence fell, then she said, “It’s _okay_, Nicole.”

“No. It’s not. And I’m so _sorry_.”

Michelle sighed and stared at her for a moment, her face inscrutable. Not for the first time, Nicole marveled that someone who looked so much like Waverly had so much of Wynonna’s personality. Finally, she said, “Look. I’ll make you a deal. Let’s start fresh, okay? You’re gonna be my daughter-in-law someday, so let’s just…get to know each other. You still got parents?”

Nicole winced. What a question to start with. “Um,” she said, “technically?”

“Ah,” Michelle said, knowingly. “You know I’m only asking this because…” She made a vague gesture. “…Purgatory, right?” Nicole frowned in confusion, and Michelle elaborated, “Technically? Are…they dead? Kind of dead? Undead? Werewolves?”

Nicole shook her head. “No. Regular selfish, kind of awful human beings.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

“How long?”

Nicole shrugged. “Years. Pretty much since high school graduation.” She saw Michelle’s speculative look, and could almost see her adding two plus two in her head and getting six. “And it’s not what you’re thinking. Exactly.” Her throat tightened, and she had to take a minute before she could say, “They didn’t want a cop. For a daughter. And it’s all I’ve ever wanted as long as I can remember.”

Michelle’s eyes softened in a way that reminded Nicole very much of Waverly. “I’m sorry. Families suck sometimes.” She exhaled sharply, then asked briskly, “So…who’s gonna walk you down the aisle?”

Without really thinking about it, Nicole stammered, “I, um, I hadn’t really thought about – ” She saw the look Michelle was giving her and sighed. “Nedley.”

“Nedley.”

“Yeah.”

“Randy…Nedley.”

“Yeah?”

“The sheriff.”

“Ex…ex-sheriff. Yeah.” Nicole shrugged. “He’s been more of a dad to me in the last couple of years than my dad was the entire rest of my life.” She fell silent, looking down at her hands, only to frown at them and consciously unclench them from each other.

“Okay,” Michelle said, her eyes landing briefly on Nicole’s hands. “Enough family stuff. How’d you and Waverly meet?”

The memory brought an immediate smile to her face; she saw Michelle’s very Wynonna-like smirk but still couldn’t help herself. “I, um, saw her at the station one day. Just a glimpse…and it was…I don’t know…like my heart…stopped…for a second? So I asked Nedley, and he told me who she was, and that she worked at Shorty’s. So I spent a couple of days working up the courage to say hello and went over to Shorty’s to introduce myself and…well, one of the taps broke. Sprayed beer all over her. She was standing there…her shirt was drenched in beer and she was all cute and exasperated and…and she was the most beautiful….” She shrugged at Michelle’s raised-eyebrow look. “God,” she acknowledged with a laugh, “it sounds like such a cliché.”

“Sounds like a porno,” Michelle said dryly.

Nicole snorted. “That’s what Jeremy says. Anyway, all my clever lines – ”

“_You _have lines?”

“Hey!” Nicole protested, forgetting for a moment that this was Michelle and not Wynonna – the skeptical amusement had sounded so like Wynonna. “I can have lines when I want to!”

“Mm-hmm.”

Nicole rolled her eyes with a sigh. “Well, once I saw – ” Suddenly remembering who she was talking to, she cleared her throat and started again. “Well, once I started to talk, what came out of my mouth was something about wet t-shirt competitions.”

“You did not.”

With a sheepish shrug, Nicole said, “Then she asked me to turn around so she could put her Shorty’s shirt on, and…well, her wet shirt got stuck in her hair, and she asked me to help her take it…off….”

She trailed off as Michelle snorted. “Seriously. Met the love of her life in a real life porno. Great.”

“Does it help that Jeremy calls it a fairytale porno?”

“Not…really.” But Michelle’s eyes were twinkling just like Wynonna’s did when she was putting on her sarcastic front to hide her softer emotions.

Nicole shook her head. “None of that mattered anyway. All I really remember is…looking into her eyes….”

“Love at first sight, huh?”

“Yes. And no. Kinda? I shook her hand and I didn’t want to let go. Love at first handshake?”

“Believe it or not, I get it,” Michelle said. “I might be the only one around here who does. But mine wasn’t love at first handshake. It was love at first high-five.” She shrugged. “It was a rodeo. I won a – that doesn’t matter. He gave me a high five and….” She trailed off with a sigh, and though her face was carefully impassive, Nicole hadn’t spent years learning to see past Wynonna’s various façades for nothing.

“Could…could you tell…he was…?” A sigh. “I mean, from the very first second I looked at Waverly…I wasn’t kidding at Christmas. I wasn’t surprised _at all _to find out she’s an actual angel. I mean, I didn’t see _angel _when I looked at Charlie, but…you know…wrong demographic. So I was wondering if you…?”

Michelle left her hanging for a few long moments, then shook her head with a gentle smile. “Yeah. I saw him, and it’s like your heart – ”

“ – jumps out of your chest and – ”

“ – and into his.” She sighed. “Yeah. And every time our hands touched – ”

“ – you squeeze one extra time because – ”

“ – because you don’t want to let go.” Michelle shrugged. “To be fair, I don’t know if that’s an angel thing or a love-of-your-life thing, but….” She fell silent and Nicole’s heart dropped, reading the heartache in her eyes as easily as she would have been able to see it in Waverly’s.

“I – I don’t know – I don’t know if this will help,” Nicole stammered, compelled to do something to ease that pain, “but…I was thinking….” Michelle frowned at her in confusion. “Well, it’s just…Wynonna sent revenants to actual hell. I _saw _it. So if actual hell is real, and the snake is real, and the Garden of Eden is _real_…doesn’t it stand to reason heaven is real too? And…I mean, Julian _must _be there, right? He was an angel. So, someday at least, you….” She trailed off with a helpless shrug.

“Been comfortin’ myself with that, yes. Of course, now I actually have to earn my way there.” She shrugged. “Not exactly blameless, you know. I did cheat on my husband. With an angel. A big-shot angel at that. And I abandoned my family and – ”

But Nicole raised a hand to stop her. She was well versed, now, in talking both Wynonna and Waverly down from the ledge. “You said it yourself, Michelle. You let Jolene torment you for two _decades _to protect Waverly. And…well, it’s not on that scale, but you not hating me because he saved me, that’s….” She reached out and tentatively rested her hand on Michelle’s clenched fist. “I think you’ve definitely earned your place,” she finished gently.

After a moment, Michelle’s face twitched and she pulled her hand away. She looked down for a few seconds, then back up into Nicole’s eyes, this time speculatively. “Wynonna called you Waverly’s happy ending. Said if anyone deserved a happily ever after, it was her.”

Nicole swallowed hard. “She does. God, does she ever.” A flood of memories rushed behind her eyes as she quickly tallied up positives and negatives. With a smile, she added, “But, you know, Wynonna’s made some _terrible _choices, but in the end I’d put Wynonna right up there with her.”

“My girls are lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have _them_.”

“No, I mean it, Nicole. They’re lucky you’re in their life.”

“Thank you.” Nicole cleared her throat, her nostrils flaring. “Michelle…thank you.”

Michelle gave her a minute to collect herself, then said briskly, “So. Nicole Haught. If Julian thought you were worth it…you must be pretty awesome.” Nicole opened her mouth to protest but Michelle continued, “And I meant what I said at Christmas. Thank you for makin’ my baby girl so happy. All I hoped for my girls was that they wouldn’t settle like I did for Ward. And she didn’t. She’s damn lucky.”

But Nicole shook her head firmly. “I’m the lucky one.”

“Let’s not do _that _again,” Michelle said, and Nicole smiled a little, granting her the point. Michelle thought for a minute. “You think you and your parents would ever – ”

“No.”

“Hm.”

“It-it’s okay,” Nicole said. “I mean…I’ve built – ”

“You’ve got yourself a damn good found family.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you know, I’ve been a lousy mother in a lot of ways, so take this for what it’s worth, but if you want a mom…I figure it’ll be official soon enough. You’ve got one if you want it.”

One quick, quiet sob forced its way out of Nicole’s mouth before she could stifle it, but she quickly pulled herself together enough to choke out, “I’d be honored, Michelle.”

* * *

The next morning, Nicole sidled up to Wynonna, who was standing at the kitchen sink, lost in thought as she looked out at the empty vastness of Purgatory in front of her. She leaned close from behind and whispered into her ear, “Waverly’s happy ending?”

“Damn it,” Wynonna muttered under her breath.

It made Nicole grin. “Love you too, Wynonna,” she said as she backed up to pour a glass of water.

“You feeling better?” Wynonna asked, gesturing with her chin towards the living room where Waverly and Michelle were chatting quietly.

“Yeah.”

“All the way?”

“You know better than that.”

“Yeah.” Wynonna sighed, then turned decisively and slung an arm around Nicole’s shoulders. “Come on, Happy Ending. Let’s go have some breakfast.”

“By ‘breakfast’, I assume you mean whiskey?”

Wynonna laughed.

“You know, just this once, I think I’ll join you.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This conversation with Nicole and Mama Earp could absolutely have gone to an angstier place, but...well, Nicole deserves a happy ending just as much as Waverly.
> 
> 2\. While I do think it would be interesting for the show to have an extended rift between Wynonna and Nicole, I actually think we're likely to get a version of what I imagined above, for a couple of reasons. First, while Wynonna was absolutely wrong to do what she did -- it's what she *always* does. She acts first, generally unilaterally, and deals with the fallout afterwards. Second, I think it's easy to forget what she'd just gone through in her Groundhog Day nightmare and while that doesn't *excuse* what she did, it does explain it. Third, Waverly will desperately want them to be okay.
> 
> 3\. I do so love writing Wynonna and Nicole scenes. I love their dynamic.


End file.
